You're running an important errand at midnight when a man in a trenchcoat and dark glasses approaches you in a shady back alley.

"I'm about to make you an offer you can't refuse," he says. "I'm going to ask you a series of questions to find out if you're my guy."

You approach him cautiously, unsure of his motives. He quickly ushers you toward a side door you hadn't noticed.

"Please step into my office."

"All right, sit down. We're going to be here a minute. Would you like a drink?"

Overcome with flattery, you stutter, "Oh, yes, please. I'll take a..."

He retrieves your selected libation from a minifridge in the corner of the room and sets it on the desk in front of you.

"You seem like a cool cat. What operating system are you on?"

'I'm a cat?' you wonder, taking a drink.

"Yeah...I could see it in your eyes." He opens one of the desk drawers and pulls out a notepad.

"Let's get to know each other a bit, Friendo. Which language would you most like to learn?"

You feel a little like this might be a trick question.

"I'm partial to Italian, myself." He wiggles his eyebrows at you.

"Do you prefer to work on the front end or back end of a web application?"

"It takes all kinds, I suppose." He scribbles your response down on the notepad.

"I forgot to ask at the beginning -- how old are you?"

"Interesting." He rubs his forehead distractedly. "You don't act your age."

"Anyway, what's your favorite animal?"

He sizes you up for a moment. "That makes sense."

"Hey, how do you like your code's syntax to look?"

"I'm starting to get an idea of what kind of person you are." He continues scribbling on the notepad.

"Now, let me know, how precise to you like to be when writing code?"

"I'm going to ask you to choose an item out of this box."

(You close your eyes and stick your hand in the box.

After rummaging around for a moment, you pull out the...)

"Uncanny," he says, taking the object back from you.

"We're almost done. Where can I catch you when you're not writing code?"

"Because I've got eyes on you now, kid. You don't go anywhere without me knowing."

"Thanks, that's enough information." He starts doing calculations in the margin of the notepad.

You watch for a while, until the tension overwhelms you. You leap from your chair, grab him by the shoulders, and scream, "Doc, what have I got? I have to know!!"


"You are most like Python. You're an average Joe and super-relatable. People can read you easily and you're very interactive. A real gas at parties!"

He pushes his chair back and walks around the desk to throw his arm around your shoulders. "I think I can work with you."

"You are most like Ruby. The preference for all the red things pretty much gave it away. You're mysterious and alluring. You like to operate from behind the scenes but keep everything looking nice, too."

He rummages through another desk drawer and pulls out a suspiciously thick stack of papers with 'Contract' at the top.

"I think you and I are going to make a real good team."

"You are most like C#. You're logical and analytical. Maybe even a little judgmental. But you know how to get sh...things done. You're basically the human equivalent of a typewriter."

He pushes a button under the desk and a secret door opens on the other side of the room, revealing a shadowy chamber lined with file cabinets and stacks of dollar bills.

"Why don't we step into my...other office, and we can get started."

"You are most like JavaScript. You're...well, no one is really sure what you are. Anyone who interacts with you comes away confused and cursed to eternally ponder what even is all of this?"

He crosses the room to hold the door open. "I'm afraid I can't work with you, Friendo. Come back when you can stop spouting gibberish and make some sense."

"You're some kind of hodge-podge of several languages. I don't think I can work with you."

The door slams behind you before you can even process what's happening, and you're left alone in the dark alley.